As humans we must surely be able to look around at our Nutella, our languages, opposable thumbs, and those rugs which seem far softer than it would be possible for anything to be, and think we couldn't possibly be any more awesome. So I have compiled some notes on where humans and society can be made cooler. Most will be impossible to implement without aggressive invasive surgery and/or some sort of revolution.... probably a violent one. But I don't think that is asking for too much when you think about how awesome it would be!
Tails!
Remember all those times you had to make multiple trips up the stairs because you had to hold the railing and therefore only had one hand free to carry a slice of pie? Not with a tail! now you can carry two slices of pie up the stairs and it doesn't matter if you fall because you have a sweet tail that has essentially just saved your life and your pie. Thanks tail!! This even applies to scenarios with some other foods!!! Think of the possibilities! Having a tail would make you a pretty bad-ass climber, which would mean that you are now exactly as cool as a monkey (unless this monkey has a fez, in which case you would need two tails, and a fez) and exactly 14% cooler than a horse but the horse doesn't give a crap. No more waiting for apples to fall down like a pleb! Just climb up there and get your 5-a-day like a boss!
There are a few downsides that we would have to adapt to... but I feel these are greatly outweighed by the climbing and pie-saving benefits. First of all it would add extra confusion in mans relationship with dogs. Many dogs seem to think they are people anyway, and with both having tails, I fear that it could lead to some dogs having confused sexual desires. But pie...
You know how it is universally agreed that the greatest pain you can experience is when you trap a finger in a door or a drawer? Well with a tail, imagine that happening lots. It also makes you an easier target for predators such as bears.
Hopefully though you will be so full of healthy apples and pie that you have enough energy to slap it upside the head and survive with most of your internal organs in tact. The bears rage is only fueled by jealousy anyway, with there stumpy tail-less backsides... losers.
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