The Coffee Scale

Ever since I discovered coffee in the late 17th century I have spent a great amount of time drinking it.


As with keeping fish (again new readers, you have no idea what I am referencing, please consult one of my original readerss, who are better than you), discovering a drink as powerful as coffee was only ever going to end in extreme abuse of these powers. Through my own lack of control I have therefore discovered the many stages and abilities that coffee is able to grant to a person, and I want to share those with you!


I encourage all of you to take your own adventures into coffee consumption. You can do this at home or in public! For first time adventurers I recommend doing this at home in a padded room surrounded by people you trust.


Some of you are reading this thinking "Harry... what are you talking about? We all drink coffee and there is nothing adventurous about it..."


Do you? Do you really drink coffee? Or do you just reach phase 3 and decide to stop?


"Phase 3? You are making less sense than an Austrian octopus with a speech impediment!"


.... Ok well I don't know why you would make that analogy. But I see you are unfamiliar with the phases of coffee. Therefore I have illustrated the coffee scale to help you track your progress.


You seem scared... What if I told you that if you drink enough then you gain the ability to be super inflatable AND a train!?


Well it doesn't. Im not even sure how that would look or feel. But you were excited weren't you? Well I assure you that there are things almost as exciting and definitely more physically possible waiting for you to discover!


ON-WARDS COFFEE BRETHREN!

The comedown time from being John Coffey is the same as the run-time for Green Mile multiplied by the inverse square of the number of John Coffey bees you have spit at people in that time, so bear that in mind.


I spend the majority of my life in phase 3 although I have broken through to phase 7 on a few occasions. Usually resulting in a satisfied hangover and the release of a Hollywood film.


For anyone wishing to cheat, energy drinks essentially jump 2 phases at a time. This does make it impossible to be a productive member of society however.


And once again I will warn you that tea is a lie. Anyone who drinks too much tea risks becoming Shia Labeouf. If you thought I was going to say Mr. T ...... shame on you..... that would just be silly.


Appropriate places to become John Coffey include supermarkets, public swimming pools, theaters, library's and Grandmas house. There are no appropriate places to be Shia Lebeouf.